Today, I made a guitar. Well, fair to say, I took my old guitar, scraped the paint off and now it looks like a new guitar. Well, I scrubbed one part with sandpaper, the rest still looks a bit rough.
Years ago when I was living in the same dorm as my autistic friend, I would often laugh at him for wanting something to be precisely perfect. I thought he was crazy. Now, after finishing the first paragraph, I took my time lowering the brightness of the screen to be just how I like it. Not too bright, not too dark. Now I think I am crazy, but in the best possible way of looking at that word.
A friend of mine told me some time ago that the origin of the word meant “Creator of reality”. I have no business looking up the validity of that. Every time that self-judgement pops up in my mind, (and it does it quite often), I soon after realize the following: “Fuck yhea I am”. And so, with every sandpaper stroke, I shape a new reality, I’ll shape a new world. And I’ll stroke untill there is nothing but smooth edges and satisfying touches. Yes, you’re right. It’ll take me quite some time, and god am I glad that I’ve found the ability to spend that much time on one thing, one action. I’ve not had that in a long while. And so, my journey begins to unfold.
I have put my guitar in my room, I’ve lit a candle, even two if I might be so prudent. And now, let us play some calm blissful music. Ahh… Perfect.
What I’ve noticed is that when I am alone the best way for me to have a good time is build up the day and the moment. Carefully choose every part of the setting. That just brings out a buildup of satisfaction and joy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about food today. It is a complex topic for me at the moment. Let me just give it to you straight. I feel like I am hungry but I believe I am just bored. Here is some background: When I used to be a kid, every time when I got bored, I would get hungry. At times, I would even go and stand in front of the fridge and food closet for minutes and minutes just trying to find something to do. I thought I was hungry, looking for food, but truly I was just bored. This hadn’t changed, and when I got older, I started acting more out of habit and soon had forgotten this truth. There I was eating and eating my boredom away. Ha, now that I look at it, it makes sense. When you’ve eaten, you’re doing something – processing your food. Hey, I guess that is the same with masturbating. When you’ve cum (oh god, I am sorry for combining these two topics in the same visualization, I admit that is not the most comfortable). So anyways, the days after having released your product, you’re body is putting all it’s effort into making some more. Into filling up the reservoir so to say. So there is also less space to be bored and more chance to act those days out of habit. If you wanna get really dark you could even call it living in zombie mode.
So, now I’ve come to the point where I am ready to see The truth. Give it to me. Boredom is this bridge between heaven and hell. It is the fine line on which you walk in order to achieve greatness. From boredom anything can happen. You can go up and you can go down. Most importantly is that you walk it. You walk the line, you walk it for a while. You understand that boredom is a tool you must come back to often in your life, right? No, Why? Because it allows you to become aware of what the next best action is to take. See, if you’re never bored you can spend your whole day living without remembering anything you did that day. Or, you can spend your whole day exploring and enjoying, forgetting that you needed to bring the car to your grandma. She’s been calling you 15 times and she ended up crying the whole night because she thought you had a car crash… For example. That’s why I am plugging boredom right now. Do you want some boredom in your life? For the small price of having existential dread, you can enjoy it yourself. But if you stay close to what you’re experiencing in boredom you can feel an immense amount of energy brewing. I give you a little small tienie wienie exercise. Try to sit with boredom for 5 minutes, not doing anything.
It is that one feeling, that one feeling that is so discomfortable, We’re all trying to run away from it. That’s why we go and eat so much untill we’re all fatties high on sugar dopamine and cortisol. Hey don’t judge me, I don’t know where the word fatties came from, it just came up in my mind and I liked the word. It reminded me of that one movie, I couldn’t think of the name so I typed: “movie with spaceship full of fatties” and guesswhat, WALL-E!!! Anyways, not trying to go too far off the topic, I love woman. Really, I used to be so ashamed of it, OMG there is even a part of me that’s embarased to write this down. What programming did I go through to believe that I am a creep from feeling like I love woman. No wonder I had a difficult time connecting with them. Men, they’re generally more stupid, doing stupid things, acting out of an overextended Yang or exactly the opposite. Woman, they’re beautiful, I see them all the time giving love, taking care of their children, playing with them. Being kind, listening attentively. Speaking from human to human. Instead of from the best to lesser good. Or opposite. Woman give so much. I love them. Man, without a woman, life would be dull.
Have you ever noticed how it is way more easier for a woman to say what they want to say compared to a man. That inner divine feminine, the expression, the aliveness, the child-likeness. The creativity, the seeing what happens after acting instead of analyzing before acting. That’s what I love about woman. I want that energy into my life. Woman tend to not be taken seriously and men tend to be taken way too serious. That’s funny cause woman tend to be closer to what’s really important. But in essence man is presence and woman is creation. I wish to be less serious AKA allow in more of my divine feminine side.
“What a frulitious boy” They’ll say. I say let them speak.
Lots of love,
your frulitious boy,
Atlas