Say anything that’s on your mind, say it. Why not? What’s holding you back? Fear? Confrontation? Guilt? Shame? YES. But what lies behind it, I wonder? Since there is guilt, there is also not-guilt, obviously. So if there is me acting based on it, or, contradictorily, not acting based on guilt, then there is a version of me that is acting past these emotions.
And where do these ways of acting come from anyway? From something I experienced in this life. Think about it, my life, 23 years. Such a small number in the whole development of humankind. Every person that ever lived, now, in the present, but also in the past, how many years could that be? I’ll ask ChatGPT and insert it. Estimated to be 3.5 trillion human years of existence. That’s incomprehensible. So, if each human year were a single tree 3.5 trillion years = 3.5 trillion trees.
That’s enough trees to cover every square meter of land on Earth more than 20 times over.
That huge of a number, that many lives, with that many experiences that shaped all those lives. All their actions, everything they ever did was lived based on the experiences they had from the past. How many people in their lives, throughout history, didn’t say what was on their mind? If you count all the moments people held back, and you count how many seconds that took, you add all those seconds, how many years of human history would that add up to? I believe it to be a ridiculously huge amount.
So, I got a choice now. Will I follow a cycle, one that lived since the dawn of humanity, or will I break it? When I ask why, why would you not say what’s true to you, my mind goes blank. It’s a bad question. Learn to understand the importance of your questions. You always get an answer, always. And your life will be lived based on your answers. Get that very well in your head, for it is the truth. You’ll always feel and think the feeling that answers your questions the best.
So if you’re going into some dark shit, be very well prepared, and beware that you’ll feel your answers. Know that they’re just answers. Know that they don’t have to be real if you don’t make them real. Know that they can become temporary if you decide that’s how it’ll go. Don’t become them, don’t let them consume you, don’t get lost in them.
So, glad we got that out of me. Back to the question, what lies behind fear? Fear, the the biggest monster of it all. Since this is about fear of expression. Expression of what? Anything that’s on your mind. Anything you feel. Sometimes you’ve come to terms with it and the monsters doesn’t look as daunting. Other times, with more difficult emotions, the monster looks way more intimidating, and you hold back. Which means the next time you face the fear, the monster has grown bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Until… you don’t dare to face it anymore. And the monster will rule you and every action you take. It’ll tell you, “Say this,” or, “Don’t say that.” “Do this,” and, “Don’t do that.” “Feel this, and fuck no, for sure don’t feel that.”
We are collectively facing that monster right now. And it is right about time that we play some lovely tunes to it, let it relax, let it calm down, let it chill. Let yourself and that monster have a good time, vibing to some calming melodies. For if we don’t do this soon, there won’t be anything left but the monster.
So, now that we got an accurate description of what we are dealing with on a global scale, someone pops in my head, and it is asking for my attention. It is saying, “But this person doesn’t fear the way you fear about expressing, right? The way you recall it, she expresses her emotions very easily. So how is she affected by it, by the monster? Is it more subtle?” Yes. Fear of performing, fear of doing bad, fear of not being good enough, fear of being judged, fear of hurting others, fear of being too much.
Wow, that’s a lot of fears. And you don’t see them in some people. Some people come over as quite confident. But if you dare to look deeper, you’ll find fears. Almost with anyone, you’ll find the beast. All it takes is for you to stand still, quite the mind and ask. And you’ll find your answers.
So, third time’s the charm. Oh, fear of death, obviously, was waiting for that one. I haven’t met a person not afraid of that. Not yet. I know they exist. I would love to meet one and learn from them. The biggest monster of them all. But it’s an illusion, right? I haven’t discovered or experienced that for myself, just basing it on what I learned, what I saw, what I read. It’ll be an interesting experience facing that beast. Will keep you updated for sure.
But I am going on that mission. Cause I think it’ll be fun. To face the biggest beast the world is too afraid to even look at, doesn’t that sound like a fun adventure? Anyone wants to join? Looking to get together a crew. Just kidding.
Fourth time’s the charm. What lies beyond this beast, the biggest beast of them all, fear of death. So exciting to discover that. To be one with God, with life, with it all. To become infinity and beyond :p Some people will think I am crazy for writing this, or joking, that’s actually even funnier. They’re so blinded by the beast they laugh the fear away. But to care and give my energy to that would be to let the smaller beast, the fear of judgment, take me over. And I already had a big fight with that one.
I must admit, he won multiple times. A lot of times. Almost my whole life he dictated what was what, and I followed him like a slave. In this moment, I feel we respect each other, we are kind of bonding through this text, which is a very odd feeling. Yeah, we are creating mutual respect. Let’s see how our adventure goes on in the future. I would love to explore our connection more. To dive deeper into some of our past together.
Thank you for having been a beautiful teacher. Thank you for having spent so much time together. Thank you for helping me shape who I am today.
That’s it.
It’s a gift. You feel like a present from God in the shape of a devil. But look further, and you’ll find a, to me, quite joyful, smirking-looking guy, holding up his glass like Leonardo DiCaprio and saying, “Cheers.”
That’s funny, actually funny. Fuck yeah, this feels like a lot of freedom. Anyways, he’ll be back. But maybe, just maybe, he’ll be back as Leonardo and not as a beast. I’ll keep you updated.
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