This friend of mine really made me appreciate the value of putting effort — actual effort — into art. Of seeing through a project from beginning to end. Of taking your time, allowing it to evolve. Of thinking about all aspects that could add to the creation. But most importantly, for me, the deepest value lies in going slower. In taking your time to create, to make a project. Cause before, I would always just rush. I’d try to do as much as possible, to grow as much as possible, to learn as much as possible. And I did. I changed like crazy. In only a few months, I became a totally different person — and in such a good way. But when I look back, I can’t see it. I don’t see my progress; I don’t value what I did, the journey I went through. No, I’d always feel like it wasn’t enough. Like there was always more to do, more to grow, more to experience. And I’d want it fast, fast, very fast. And through that, I lived life without living it. Like I decided to go on a rollercoaster ride, but instead of doing it once and finding it a lot of fun, the operator died, and I kept going for eleven months. Eventually, you forget you’re even on a rollercoaster ride, cause you dissociate. But you’re still going upside down, and you just feel like you’re spinning all the time and like you have to throw up. You completely lose control over your body, and you get thrown around by the corners of the ride. Eventually, you become aware you have some control, and you decide to jump out of the ride.
Now, in the beginning, it feels so unnatural and unusual. You’re still spinning and feeling like you have to throw up, and this is a difficult time for me cause I get these urges to just go on a different ride, cause I am so used to the feeling. But this friend of mine, she made me finish a project with her, from beginning to end, and it was difficult for me. I wanted more. I wanted different. It was taking too long. But fuck, am I glad we finished. Cause now I can finally see I was on a ride with no end in sight. And I can see now that I wouldn’t have been able to do it for another eleven months. I don’t think I’d have made that.
So thank you. Thank you for showing me the value of taking your time. Of taking my time. Thank you for showing me the value of time. Of appreciating an idea and following that into this whole art piece. I see the value now. I get to fall in love with my own creations. I get to look at something I’m proud of. I get to look at me and see, wow, you are beautiful. You made this. You are capable. You are capable of creating beauty. You. Are. Beauty. And I get to look back and see, wow, I grew. What a journey it has been. And then all the growth isn’t just mental anymore; it isn’t just in fleeting moments. It’s actually here, grounded, to be witnessed. And I believe that’s the most beautiful gift I have ever received.
And eventually, these texts will become normal. They’ll become so ingrained in who I am that I’ll start living in a natural state of gratefulness. And I can’t wait for that to become my reality. So this is just the beginning. What will come from this will reshape my whole life in the best way possible. So, so grateful.
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